I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
