I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
