I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
