Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
