It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
