i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
