Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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