Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i out mim tonsoeep
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