We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
