:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
