Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
