you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
