I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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