I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
