We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
As shirtless as possible
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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