either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
