She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
