What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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