Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
