His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
