So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
