I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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