Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
