DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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