If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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