he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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