My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dear god my vagina.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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