your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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