apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize