Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
