after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
