It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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