i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
