someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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