my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
