I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
