Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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