i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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