He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
