Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
