i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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