Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
