Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
