it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
