Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you had me at cake vodka
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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