I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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