Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
