I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
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