His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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