I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
