census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
