you would pick up someone in the library
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
