Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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