I am spending my child support on dildos
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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