Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
