She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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