Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
