carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
